


The Scheme of Things

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Future, Romance, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-13
Updated: 2008-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 10:39:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Post-513, Brian's POV





	The Scheme of Things

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes:

This was written for the "challenge in two parts" at qaf_challenges and based on a graphic created by flashfly at IJ.

Thanks to my wonderful beta plumduff for her generous help and encouragement.   


* * *

I haven’t been here in quite a while, it is hot and loud and crowded, the smell of anticipation and hunting and liberty filling every corner; they are all here, the beautiful ones, the crazy ones, the fucked-up and the helpless ones. I drink it all in, the familiar beats, the vibes, the atmosphere soaked with sweat, bodies swaying in sync, and it is exactly the same it always was, a world of its own that seems to never change.   
  
And it doesn’t.   
  
It’s me who isn’t the same.   
  
I lean back, take a drag of my cigarette and enjoy the view, but I’m no longer watching from the inside. Babylon was my own personal playground and I loved it, the men and the drinks, the haze and the drugs, the frenzy and the fucks. Endless opportunities, no responsibility but to pleasure yourself. I was dancing on the edge, wild and untouchable, no-one could have me and I didn’t want to hold anyone, either. I played it hard and never cared in a place that has always been dangerous when you take your thrills too far, and no-one was taking it further than I did. Somewhere in the back of my head, I expected to find my downfall here, I toyed with it, even looked forward to it, but I never thought that it would come along in the form of a young boy who was neither my dream nor my fantasy but, even worse, more than anything I could have imagined.   
  
Justin looked like an angel but he was an insect that infected me with a single, poisonous sting with the deadliest disease that exists in this world, love, and it is so lethal because when you notice you have it, it’s already much too late. I felt an itch at the very beginning, but the incubation period was long and fooled me into thinking that I could ignore it while it was already creeping into my blood, maliciously and silently, until it possessed me completely. Then, one day, Justin smiled at me and that was all it took for it to break out with a vengeance.   
  
I thought I would die instantly but it wouldn’t, and won’t, let me, it makes me suffer through all I never wanted, never asked for… never dared to wish for. There are moments when it freaks me out so much that I just want to scream and fight and vomit it all away, but I know I’ll never be able to heal again, there is no cure, and it’s terrifying.   
  
I’m terrified.   
  
That he might walk away, again, because without him, I feel as if my head and arms and legs have been chopped off, reducing me to a stump, unable to think, choked, incomplete, my whole life turning into bloody, bright-red fog that closes in on me and suffocates all my thoughts, actions and feelings. I don’t believe in hell, but if it existed, being without him is what it would be like. Being burned alive, stabbed, cut into pieces.   
  
Without hell, there is no heaven, either, and I don’t think it would be the one, fat ladder leading into bliss and dizzy happiness that everyone seems so eager to climb, but more like a sense of fog clearing, just like the one produced by Babylon’s fog machine that is now floating to the ceiling, replaced by a blast of cold air. You don’t have to be on top to see all you need, it is enough to keep standing on the ground and open your eyes to meet another pair… far across the dance floor… bluer than any heaven ever could be… bridging the distance with a sparkle that is just for you…   
  
He moves towards me slowly, smoothly, flashed in ever changing lights; and yes he’s older, maturity in his every step, but his hair is still all shining blond and shaggy strands and he’s more sexy now than ever before, god he’s beautiful, Justin, Justin… His steps are calm yet predatory and he never breaks my gaze, he’s got me and I feel so fucking naked, stripped, bare because he sees beyond my shell, my disguise, he knows it all and I do, too.  
  
I own this place but I don’t reign anymore, I am the fallen king of Babylon, everything I was and did is shattered like the fragments of a disco ball that burst when its time was finally up. The moment Justin flung himself at me, naively but recklessly, the glitter and glamour faded and suddenly I couldn’t see anyone but him, no matter how intently I tried to stare at others. I can spot him in any crowd instantly because he outshines them all, and I’m not interested in faceless masses of flesh anymore, there is only one person… the one standing right in front of me… and when he looks up at me, a tiny version of this incredible smile tugging at his lips, I know that I’m done playing.   
  
The die is cast, this is my own private heaven and hell all rolled into one, and it isn’t easy, I’m tossing and turning, kicking and screaming, but the man who is the reason for all that I’ve become is in my arms and if there was a scheme of things, in this one moment, I believe that we both are exactly where we should be. 

 


End file.
